Saturday, May 7, 2016

Making a big decision

So, I have decided to continue my study in Phd ... a decision that I dreaded to do a year ago, thinking that I am having a phobia of doing a thesis, a thing that make me so damn tense. But today, I have decided to pursue Phd because of few things.

First, because I am a single woman, who haven't got married yet and people said that I do not have much commitment, so I decided to use that extra moment that I have to do something useful, even though I am scare.

Second, I kind in a stable position. I have a permanent and stable job. I finish paying off my car and even though I still have my education loan that I took during my degree program that are still not paying off, and yet I still managed to pay for my master without taking loan, I think I am doing ok. Moreover I still have my parents who support me.

Thirdly, I need challenges in life. If not, life will be boring and I will be stagnant. So, I must do this.

I know the journey will be hard and long and windy, but I think with this journey, it will help me to be nearer to Allah, because that is my purpose, to be a good servant of Allah.

Thursday, May 5, 2016


Turn out I haven't updated my blog for quiet some time. 2016 has been a very good year to me so far, just a hiccup here and there and yet I still survived and still moving on.

But, one thing I found out at the age of nearly 33,  strong will is very important, the habit that we cultivated all our life is also very important. It because I found out, during turmoil situation all these habits and strong will and perseverance that I have been holding on will shape whatever decision that I make when I face challenges. It whether i break or walk on or keep on the same path, no changing happen whatsoever.

I need to have a stand on my life, so I won't be like grass, just follow wind whether I go to east or south, or anywhere that the wind takes me. Used to be, I am that kind of person, an Ok kind of person, because my motto is simple, I wont disturb people and hopefully they will do the same. But, it wont happen as easily as that. There will be circumstances that force me to go out from my nest and shows that I am protesting that situation. I want them to know, don't play around me and be serious. But because I am that way, I have difficulties in socializing, or people only come to me when they have something or anything that they want to ask from me.People are people, same as me, people

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Sometimes pressure is good

I remember while I was working and studying at the same time,as I was juggling between both, I worked hard and managed it, even though not very proficient, but I managed. The pressure to do both quiet tough, but because of the desperation, I managed.

But now, after I completing my study, I found out that I am slacking off. It takes me a while to complete or do simple task. I prefer to do it all in one basket and thus I take longer time and procrastinate a lot. I do not like it.

Sometimes, my mind wonder here and there, and while searching, I found something interesting and I ended not doing my work even thogh previously the same workload only take me a while to complete it.

Maybe because I am too free, I become like this.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Lost focus

At the age of 30 ++, it seems to me that I lost my focus now ... maybe because I keep repeating doing the same thing again and again ... there's no thrill anymore. After finishing my master degree, I found life has become a little bit empty with a lot of spare time.

Kind weird too that I do not like to watch drama or movie as much I like to do previously and do other hobbies, like cooking or sewing, not really interest me.... maybe because I'm not a very particular person and just like to do how I want to do.

Maybe I should start something new or maybe restart back ... just maybe... like people said, there are so many things to look forward and as I am not very sociable person, I think, maybe I should start writing, reading and relearning but doing Phd is totally out of questions for now.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Its a new year 2016

2015 has been very nice to me, very very nice. I earn my master degree, got awards too... wow, I never had an award as best student before. Then, my works run smoothly and there are a few setbacks here and there, but I managed to pass...

I learn that it best not too attach with something and accept what it is and move on. No big expectation and people can dream and dream on. Dreaming is free.

As for two years, I was busy studying and working, and now, after that ended, I feel kind lonely. It seems that I lost my focus and I do not know what to do. What is my next project and what should I do next. Turn out, I'm so used being busy, that I feel lost when I have not much to focus on.

Maybe I should try something new, and do something new.... it just I do not know what that is yet.

Hopefully 2016 will be a better year for me.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

to start over

As I have graduated from my MA ... yes, this blogger has an MA in education ... kind weird, isn't? Even I do not believe it. It has been a rough journey and got ups and downs too. There were times that I do not think that i can finish my MA, but I did it. Syukur Alhamdulillah, for Allah has ease my journey and I got my success.

After I graduated, I thought I would be happy, but actually, I felt sad. It seems like part of me, is missing. At first I do not what was it, but now, I know. I miss being busy with books, the adrenaline rush or being freak out to meet the supervisor and of course, I am missing my friends. It's been two weeks since I graduated, and now, I have to look for what I want to focus on for my life.

I have my mission, but for my mission, I have to do something. Something that is beneficial, and I know, I have to start over. What I know after I finished my MA is that I need to be more confident with myself, and be proud of my achievements. Despite so many things have happen, the past is past. Now, I should look forward for the future and do something beneficial. I havent found out yet.

I do thinking to continue to PhD, but it is too hard, expensive and time consuming. I want to do something else.

That's why, I'm thinking to start over, to start new. There are many things to look forward to in this life.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Always Always be thankful

There will always be things that I can be thankful of, my life, my food, my health, may laptop, my parents, my house, the achievements that I got. There are so many, so for me to complain of anything in life, for me, it is not fair. I also am very thankful for my religion, for I'm a Muslim and I want to be a good Muslim.

I cannot always get what I want, but I can work for it. The road to achieve for what I want will be different from other , but I do not know what the others have to go through to get where they are now. I don't and I cannot judge.

The past is the past. I cannot undo it now. There is no way I can, but I can take one step at a time to fill my life to the fullest that I want. There will always be obstacles but, I found out that the most hardest obstacles that I have to go through is from inside of me. I am my own worst enemy.